Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Geez, Grizz #666

It's been awhile since I've written and after this weekend I thought
I'd give you readers the pleasure of spending a weekend with me, Ze

Did you ever have a weekend or simply a day in your life where when
the sun has finally set and when you survey what you've accomplished
over 24 hours you just shake your head because there is no reason why
that should have happened? Maybe you won a prize or found a bargain at
Foley's. Perhaps you fell into a romantic interlude that was
completely unexpected.

Well my life is zany and it is filled with those kinds of days because
of several reasons:

1. I'm up for anything and I love to do things on a whim.
2. I attract danger and romance.
3. I'm single and I don't own a dog, which means I can disappear for a
few days without completely screwing up my life.
4. I don't have any morals.

The combination of those four and the simple fact that I received my
nickname based on my life's mantra "If you're going to be a bear, be a
grizzly". That attitude has caused me more grief and more fun than you
will ever hope to imagine.

So let me take you on a journey with me and follow what a typical
"what-are-you-doing-this-weekend" phone call can lead to once combined
with the four tenants of my life.

Last week I receive a call from my old buddy Adrian. Adrian is a wacky
Latino with a penchant for buggery and can cause fun from all angles.
Adrian and I worked for a really super television company called FOX.
We no longer work together so Adrian and I usually hang out once every
2 or 3 months and it usually ends in hijinx or at least a split lip.
Our friendship would be frowned upon by mama; she would call him "a
bad influence."

He had just returned from a trip to Paris with his old lady where he
witnessed a man verbally abuse his wife to the point that she rolled
into a ball and sucked her thumb, on the subway. Ah, sweet Paris.

So big A tells me that he's off on Friday, and would like to go watch
some UFC style fights downtown. Since we are both very familiar with
the concept of not paying for shit, I make a few phone calls with a
disguised voice and secure us some press credentials.

We get drunk and act the fool all night.

The next day A realizes that he has left his phone at my house. He
returns for it and immediately begins drinking the rest of the whiskey
and chides me until I join. Once we were good and drunk we headed off
for more early afternoon debauchery that I will skip ahead for
everyone's sake but it's safe to say that we partied hard enough for
the activity to land somewhere between popping uppers and killing an
ex-wife on the sin scale.
Feeling like kings we returned to my place where a few more friends
had shown up for a fun Saturday night. Once again we headed downtown
to meet up with foxy women. Of course I run afoul of a girl I never
want to see again and we delightfully argue for a while until I end up
playing ping pong somehow with some girls who may or may not have been
prostitutes. One of them later asks me for drugs I don't have and when
I tell her I don't have them she sits on my lap and then leans in and
really really asks for them. I decide it's time to scram and on the
way out Adrian knocks over everything in his path.

Back at the apartments a few impromptu fights break out between the
boys and as usual furniture, faces, and egos are all bruised. We walk
over to the pool area and I try and make time with some deaf girls.
Deaf girls love a guy that can slowly spell the alphabet. My roommate,
Mike Muscle as he calls himself, talks shit to some really big guy and
I have to go keep this Texas rugby player from busting his grape.

(I'd like to take this brief moment to explain Mike Muscle. Mike has
many monikers and just to prepare you I may refer to him as any of the
following: Mike Muscle, Muscle Mike, Mike Mussel, Shotgun Sheikh,
Popgun Sheikh, Lil Mike and lastly "my latchkey kid")

Moving on, back at the house one of our party…Josh…realizes that he
can't find his wallet. Now Josh just paid for our cab so we know he
had it with him. He searches the house and car and since everyone was
wrestling earlier and the furniture is a mess we decide to find it in
the morning.

The next morning we search hi and low. We turn my house upside down
and retrace our steps from the earlier night. Josh confides to me that
there was $1,000 in cash in that wallet for the kayak he had planned
to buy this morning. The stakes have changed. Now I really feel for
the guy and we spend about an hour or so and talk to the girls in the
front office just in case any of the douche bags that live around me
are honest. Josh calls the cab company and they haven't seen his
wallet. All hope is lost.

Later we decide to take a trip out on the lake. Josh assures me that
foxy women will be on that boat. As we are about to leave Josh opens
my silver wear drawer and lo and behold, there is his wallet.

What the fuck?

I give Josh a well earned high five and now with our spirits lifted we
guzzle a few beers and head out to the lake. Sure enough there were
some foxes on the boat. LSU, Arizona Wildcats and worse are all being
represented. Of course water and booze make the Grizz very happy so
I'm doing my special brand of comedy that no human being can resist.
We are all laughing and having a whale of a time when I cannonball off
the boat and lose my sunglasses.

Until this year I've never worn sunglasses because I've always felt
like a douche but this year I relented. You see, my hot friend Joy
gave them to me. She thought they looked better on me and I have to
admit they immediately fit me well. Silver and mirrored they allowed
me to keep an eye on my enemies and more importantly I can stare at
breast without detection. Plus a hot girl gave them to me and that
means a lot. You never want to lose something a hot girl gives you
unless it's a baby or something.

Anyway I'm immediately crestfallen. Josh and I abandon our floaties
and head down in the murky deep to see if we can find them. Of course
since it's a lake and muddy and shit we have no chance. Visibility is
at about 4 inches. We both dunk down a couple of times and come up
empty. I'm in near tears. Now I have to stare all the girls in the
face. FUCK.

Josh and I are discussing this and then he tells me about a girl he
went home with on Thursday night. It seems a local high school teacher
was just drunk enough to stomach Josh and she took him home. We
discuss his adventure crudely, as men are want to do, and all the
while another boat draws closer. You see, the big thing to do at the
lake is to tie up boats together so that other drunken strangers can
look at your friend's boobs. We decide to look for the glasses one
more time before the boat ends up in the area where they were lost.

We surface, empty handed of course. The boat is now within feet from
us so we offer to help buoy and tie it up. One buoy comes over, then
another. In typical Grizz fashion I holler to the captain of the
vessel: "what kind of women did you bring us". The guy finds this
amusing and one by one his female companions show their face.

Josh blanches.

One lady is the teacher that he had carnally consorted with only a few
days earlier. I'm ecstatic. I go under to keep from laughing openly.
Josh is forced to talk to her but after a few more beers he seems
pretty calm. Her boat is filled with fellow teachers. One was a high
school teacher with fake tits and braces. I can't imagine what her
students think. Actually I can imagine what they think; it's what I
was thinking! Anyway they are booming regaetton music while she shakes
her ass. It's the boat that everyone on the lake makes fun of but
ironically if you're drunk enough; it's the boat you always want to be

By now I've gotten the rapt attention of about 15 or so people. I'm
telling jokes, making wisecracks about society and the like. People
seem to be enjoying my exuberance until I start arguing with one of
the foxes. I can't really remember how it started but somehow I
drunkenly segued into a stirring speech that would have made Patton
and Edward James Olmos cry.

While it wasn't funny, I did have everyone listening and as I began
to get to my main point I yelled to them "NEVER GIVE UP" "NEVER EVER

And to really drive my point home dramatically, I threw aside my
floatie and dove down into the muddy depths.

I shit you not, 30 seconds later I shoved up my right hand with my
mirrored sunglasses in hand. The response was indescribable; everyone
there went ape-shit. I was mobbed in the water. In a million years I
couldn't pull that off again. I wear contacts so I can't open my eyes
and god knows you'd never want to in that water.

Josh and I embraced. We had both come so close to losing that what's
closest to us. We had looked fate in the eye and said "not today sir,
I will not be fortune's fool". It felt so good. I looked back to
Thursday, back to when Adrian had first made that call "what are you
doing this weekend?" I realized then and there that next time I got
that call; I would screen it and just go to see a romantic comedy with
a human girl.