Monday, December 12, 2005

Jeez, Grizz #2

Well the caveman comedy has wrapped and it's for me to fill you in on how the whole thing went down.

Initially I was very skeptical of the comic validity of this film. As the days wore on however there were some scenes that had me laying on the floor laughing which doesn't mean a thing really but it gives me some hope.

We watched an outtake reel at the wrap party and I laughed a lot during it and was surprisingly relived to see that it looked more low budget than I even expected, in a good way. Reminded me of all of those old low budget movies you'd see on "USA up all night" with Rhonda Shear or Gilbert Gottfried. I think this movie will play better that way.

Along the way I ended up befriending most of the cast and crew so I suppose I won't be as hard on them as I was in my first post but don't worry. There are plenty of people to be clowned so you'll get your share of Grizz justice soon enough.

People have asked me "Grizz, what does a caveman do during caveman times" well the answer is simple friends. He hunts, battles, sits by a fire and bonks ho's on the head with his club.

The majority of my time on this film was spent sitting around a fire freezing my applebag off because we didn't wear pants. I have an extreme appreciation now for what women go through wearing skirts. If you're not'll catch someone eyeballing your crank and it's never who you want to eyeball your crank. Also, you'll find that the "business district" can get very cold very quickly and now I understand why women are always cold. I was born in Wisconsin and grew up in the harsh bitter winters of Amarillo but I was weeping toward the end of this film. It got so cold and rough that at one point we were so desperate that all the men were nearly arm and arm around a fire, just looking to survive.

David Carridine isn't as impressive as an acting giant when he's huddled next to you with chattering teeth mumbling expletives.

I know I know, everyone just wants me to get to the goods about Ron Jeremy but the fact is he's just a really nice guy. Lots of dick jokes, sure but other than that he's pretty vanilla. He did show up with what would be considered a girlfriend I guess and she was too young for me and I'm 29. I think Ronnie-boy is in his fifties. Good for him I guess but what the hell is she thinking. It would be one thing to go after a noted playboy like Warren Beatty. Sure he's been around the block but he's still got some power...this is like picking up a dick you found in the river Ganges.

Tom Arnold also made an appearance. What to say, Tom is a mercurial man. Some love him, some hate him. Personally I love him so this was kind of cool for me. Tom plays an effeminate caveman and I might just be part of the world's first hate crime, something I'm awfully proud of. I got a laugh out of Tom when we were about to begin our scene with a "let's beat his ass and then tease the shit out of his bangs". Trust me it was funny. Anyway he was only there for a day so I never got the chance to talk Iowa wrestling with him or to dust off any old Roseanne jokes.

What about the beautiful Ali Larter you may ask? Well Ali doesn't talk to the trolls on set but the Grizz was able to....ok actually I'm a troll so I never spoke with her. Well actually I did once when we were filming a wedding announcement and I went up and said "where are ya'll registered?" which if used in the film will be very funny. Get it? It's caveman times and I asked where are you registered.....ok f you. Anyway I've never really been an Ali fan and plus she's a smoker and chicks under 40 who smoke look retarded to me. I did see Legally Blonde on TBS last night and she was pretty good in that. Anyway enough of her...she ain't ugly I'll tell you that much.

The only guy you don't know on this movie was Tom Hodges. I knew his face but not the name. When I realized he was Dolly and Spud's son on Steel Magnolias I flipped the f out. I can't say enough about this guy. All movie stars should be Tom Hodges. He went out of his way to treat me well and I hope he gets all the success in the world. See this movie just out of respect for Tom Hodges. Then go buy all his old dvd's so he can get the royalties. The man is a prince.

Another great reason to see this movie is the old guy. They have an old man that appears in many of the scenes, sans clothing. One of the better days on the set is when the old man showed up and two young girls saw their first naked old ass. Their mom was mortified and for a minute she thought that they were in the clear. You see, the mom had to confiscate the girls glasses and she hoped that they wouldn't spot the old ass. She came up to me and goes "oh my god I have their glasses!!!".

I know that I can't translate this well without telling you in person but it was one of the funniest moments of the movie. The mom furtively looking back at her girls who are sitting around a fire. After about 6 takes the damage was done. One of the girls had spotted the atrocity and had pointed it out to her younger sister. Nothing more damaging than staring at your first naked male body and noticing that it looks like wet bread. I loved it.

This movie also has monkeys. More than one. One was a baby named joey and he was of course adorable in his little baby jumper and diapers. The other was an actual long armed monkey named Albert or some shit.

Monkey's used be cute, now I"m wary. The jokes over. I've watched way to much Discovery channel to get close to one of those assholes. They always turn on you. There will come a day that the monkey decides you ain't the boss. That's when your genitals will be pulled off. I got enough problems in my life, the last thing I need is to have to pull a knife on Mr.Jenkins, the resentful ill-tempered ape who hasn't had acting work in a few years. One time we were doing a scene and I was about 20 feet from the monkey, while I was walking by he screeched and I damn near fainted.

Now it's time to get to the good stuff. The extras. Here is where the entertainment begins. The extras can be broken up into 3 categories:

1. the eager person wanting to get into the business, this is the easiest way
2. the person who had nothing better to do that day, might as well be in a movie
3. the delusional dipshit who thinks he's a star in the making and thinks David Carridine is now their best friend.

Now let's breakdown the percentages:

1. 5%
3. 85%

It shouldn't be too hard to figure out who was worth talking to each day and who avoided at all costs. The only problem is that this was a small intimate set so you had no choice but to interact.

There was the insecure kid who introduced himself to everyone but befriended no one. He had a weird thing where he stood next to you and talked to you while looking at you sideways. We call that the "horse eye" where I'm from. It was unsettling. This kid was always poking his nose into shit that didn't concern him. Once he told me that he wanted to be a producer as long as he didn't have to be an asshole. I told him that being a dick is a job requirement of producers. His response "then I guess I'll just be an actor"

Ok dude. I was thinking I'd just become a neurologist myself. Probably just read a book or two to brush up on it.

There's more to the story of this kid....we'll hear from him later.

There was the "sista" who was on the set for a few days. Once she asked me for my phone number. "You tall and shit, we goin on a date" Now, the grizz ain't scared to dip his pen in ink ya'll but this chick was 35 and had two babies. I ain't down with putting "Bebe's kids" to bed and all that.

The true persona non grata was the weirdo who writes horror films. Now the make-up chicks told me that they loved me because I required no wig or beard. I looked like a real caveman but dear friends that's because I was a professional actor in character. This dude, Robert, was an actual caveman. I mean Cro-Magnon man. Hideous visage, yellow teeth and the posture of a well cooked gulf coast shrimp. This guy was nice but socially inept. He'd shuffle up to you and just grunt, expecting you to react. I gave this guy a total of 3 actual courtesy laughs and then I was done with him. I never talked to him again on the set and from a distance watched him alienate himself from one person to the next. After a bachelor party scene where he got too grabby he was kindly asked not to return. One night I went to watch the Tx Rollerderby girls. One of the extras was "Miss Demeanor" and she invited us to see her show. Robert was there of course and he was all surly because dudes were talking to his "woman". I guess he decided that she was his girl and he even claimed they had boned a few years ago. Robert approached me and stuck his hand out and I walked away. I'm not sure I've done that big of a dick move since high school. Robert is probably just a few years away from committing bloody bloody murder. I'd hang out with that monkey for days before I'll drink coffee with Robert.

On a side note my drunken roommate, Lil Mike had accompanied me to the roller rink. He decided to crash the show right at the end and one of the rollergirls treated him to the experience that is being a rollerderby queen. Here is a pictorial of the result:

Then there were the uncle and nephew team that were just there for the experience and to get high and hang out with Carridine. Guess which two dudes I hung out with the most? These guys provided me with comic relief and had no agenda but to have a good time.

All in all it was a 3 week party. Most of the crew were amicable and great. The wardrobe people were never pretentious and a few were cool as hell. I made a few actual friends and hopefully set myself up for networking in the future.

Ah but just when you think that everything is hunky dory things change. A dark sinister cloud was heading toward the Texas Hill Country. With only a few days left to shoot this movie was looking to be quite the smooth production.

All of this would soon change and I would be privy to one of the most exciting moments of my life. Friends, my life was irrevocably disturbed for the better when one of Hollywood's most quarrelsome and extreme personalities descended on us like the eye of Saromon.

I'm running a little late to the set and I park, put on my jacket and step out of my car when a man grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me violently. He tussles my hair with his hand and yells in my face "Hey you wild beast! ready to make a movie!!?"

He had the wild eyed stare that is normally reserved for train-jumping hobos, the mentally deranged and Vietnam vets who think they are still actively in the shit.

Read tomorrows exhilirating conclusion as we meet:



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