Thursday, December 15, 2005

The Whiteys: NBA White Guy Awards, Part One

I was going through the inordinate amount of sports cards I have, from back when I rode the cardboard horse in the early 90's, and while almost all the players and styles look funny to me now, nothing looked quite as ridiculous as the white guys. Not all of them, mind you. But most of them. Additionally, I don't know where they got their photos back then, but whoever snapped them either had a knavish sense of humor or didn't give the card companies much to choose from, because they really caught people in some unflattering poses. So unflattering in some cases that it makes it seem as if some chromosomes had gone temporarily missing. I pulled out enough cards that a complete celebration of the NBA White Guy became possible. Here's to awkward and missed high fives everywhere.

The Silver Mullet Awards

Let's kick this off right, with the easiest to mock hair style of all time. Glamourized in fine films like Joe Dirt, and reaching such a popularity that not long ago a certain website was able to sell themed calendars, the mullet is certainly an easy and popular target. But there's something special, and I don't know, downright righteous about an NBA player having one. Let's begin shall we?

Mike Gminski

Mike obviously spent some time on his hair, a common theme among Duke graduates, who may need that attention to grooming for that job at daddy's bank. Not only did he have a great mid-range jumper, he knew his way around one of these. I feel pretty confident in saying that if there had been a Color Me Badd at the dawn of the age of Man, Mike would've fit in real nice. He gets bonus points for having visible brush lines on the business end of his mullet. I don't actually have a point system, but he gets three bonus points anyway. He's a broadcaster now, so grooming will be forever a part of his life.

Scott Roth

I don't remember Scott Roth as a player, but I can tell you that being guarded by Scottie Pippen, as in the picture above, is as close as he ever got to a ring. They sometimes call the mullet "Camaro Hair," and he surely looks like he's driven one. He also looks like the kind of guy who listened to Priest as he picked on smaller, weaker kids, and the mullet is the birthright of such a person. He's currently serving time in Wisconsin for hate crimes or animal torture, whichever you find more humorous.

Brad Davis

I am really glad Brad is named Brad, because he's such a Brad. Brad actually is up for more than one Whitey, that's how powerful his fashion mojo is. Since Mike Judge is from Texas, I find it extremely suspicious that Brad resembles both Todd from Beavis & Butthead, and Boomhauer from King of the Hill. Just look at him -- he's practically bumming a smoke from you.

Joe Wolf

Joe evidently had one move, and you are seeing it. I think he may have picked it up at the Special Olympics. Those rainbow Lego Nuggets uni's don't help his uncoolness one bit. His mullet style is far from extraordinary, kind of like a regular haircut with extensions at the back. I think Michael Keaton must have had this same do at some point. Joe probably has his eye trained on a squirrel right now.

Dwayne Schintzius

The clear winner of the Silver Mullet Award has got to be Dwayne Schintzius. He was sort of the Brian Bosworth of the NBA; an ornery, cocky son of a bitch who overstayed his welcome almost immediately. It's said that his response to "How's the weather up there?" was to spit on the inquisitor and then reply, "It's raining." He was also involved in one of the more disturbing off-court happenings you'll ever hear. He was hanging out with another real son of a bitch, Jayson Williams, who bet him that he couldn't drag his pet Rottweiler "Zeus" (did EVERYONE watch Magnum PI??) out of the house. As the story goes, Dwayne won the bet, and Williams reaction was to not only not pay up, but to blow the dog's head off and then make Dwayne take care of the mess. This might be the only time Shinbone is a sympathetic character in an anecdote.

Anyway, the former Gator is sporting a high fashion badass mullet. Only badasses can pull this one off. Look how it fans out menacingly, not unlike a cobra, warning lesser creatures to stay out of his path. Nature has a pecking order, and Schintzius was no fool when he selected this hair style. Today he is a professional wrestler, or has at least considered becoming one at some point.

Next up: Spastic Poses


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