Thursday, December 08, 2005

Jeez, Grizz #1

So I've been preparing myself to try my hand at a little acting and writing. So far it's gone ok. I've been in two student films, and this weekend I was invited to be an extra on a studio film about....cavemen.

A caveman comedy...is there any other kind?

Anyway it's directed, written by and starring Adam Rifkin who has also directed such notable films as:

Night at the Golden Eagle, Without Charlie, Welcome to Hollywood,Detroit Rock City, Denial, The Chase and who can forget.... Psycho Cop Returns.

I never saw Detroit Rock City and I've only seen parts of The Chase on TV, and the only reason I did that is because there is a Kristy Swanson sex scene. So going in I wasn't expecting to be on the next hit comedy or anything, and I was pretty sure there wouldn't be any notable actors in the movie.

There were only about 8 or so of us extras, so we all made our way through wardrobe and make-up where I was lauded by all of the crew for being the only "real caveman" in the bunch. I required no wig or facial hair...just a big furry caveman costume and some basically shit-brown Ugg boots.

The rest of the guys got silly wigs and shitty beards drawn on their faces.

We made our way down to the river's edge where the set was. The first hour or two we just sat around and waited for the cameras to show up. During this time the P.A. told me that Tom Arnold was in this movie insome other scenes, and so was Ali Larter. Ali and I have a long history ever since we shared a cigarette on the first shitty comedy I ever extra'd on, Varsity Blues. Since then she's experienced a meteoric rise to the top of the entertainment world, peaking at Final Destination and then again on Final Destination II: We're Almost There, Ya'll.

Sadly there weren't any "cave babes" during our scenes because we were supposed to be an army or some dumb shit. So there were 20 guys standing around leering at the wardrobe girl who had big boobs. I passed on looking down her sweater every time she'd adjust my costume, because I have respect for women and their boundaries.

Anyway we block our scenes and stand around, and then stand around waiting for the real talent to show up. Soon, David Carridine slowly made his way down in his caveman costume. Apparently he's our wizened old leader or something, and that was moderately cool I guess. I actually never really cared for "Kung Fu" the television show because it was so slow and plodding and when he did kick ass it was lame, but of course he's Bill from Kill Bill so we all stared at him anyway.

His rather revealing costume showed off some odd tattoos around his waist and thighs and I could see, because he kept showing it off, his tiger-striped bikini briefs. We had to keep waiting for "Ron", some lead actor that was running way late. While we waited I talked to one of the other main characters, some guy about my age that looked like a more handsome Johnny Knoxville. He told me that he just had a pilot get picked up by Fox last Wednesday. I crack a joke about them canceling Arrested Development, yet keeping "Stacked" on the schedule and then he tells me that his show is actually the one replacing Arrested Development.

I almost strangle him with my bare hands.

Anyway, look forward to seeing him next spring or summer on some show called "The Adventures of Handsome Guy" or something like that. I'd take this time to clown the guy but I have to admit he was alright for a big handsome successful asshole.

Anyway so finally the "Ron" we've been waiting for shows up and my jaw falls to the floor as RON FUCKING JEREMY comes waddling up with only a loincloth to cover that famous crank of his. Two hours later we break for lunch. I'm sitting at one of the tables with one of the actor's I'd befriended, talking about some book, and then Ron takes the seat next to me. For the next hour we talk about his reading of the book "Wicked", the mahi mahi, and our Thanksgiving plans. I watch Ron dust off 1 small bowl of spinach salad w/ranch, 1 small bowl of pasta salad, 1 small bowl of mango salad, 1 big plate of turkey, Cajun rice, butternut squash, green bean casserole and some French bread. Impressive.

He then tops that all off with a couple of cups of lemonade and one "small" piece of chocolate cake that I cut and served him. Yes, I served cake to a fat hairy man I've seen have sex on film oh about 100 times in my life, give or take. Before you call me a pervert, realize that 95% of the film's cast and crew have all also seen this man grunt his way through numerous balloon-boobed bimbos. Many, many times.



The director is also eating with us, so is his young assistant "Merriweather" (yeesh), and he's discussing how he thinks he'll spend Thanksgiving in Austin with his buddies in the band Rooney. At this point I'm glad I'll be going home to Amarillo to eat with mom and dad and my uncle Dwayne who will be in town. Sure I'm a big nobody in the entertainment world, but at least I won't be fighting over the stuffing with the fags from Rooney.

Anyway for the next 5 hours we shoot the exact same scene over andover and over again because it's "a critical focal scene" according to the assistant director. This scene is basically the main character running down a hill, tripping in the sand, and then having a fight with the Drill Sergeant because he can't say "sir yes sir."

"Yes sir"
"No! Sir yes sir"
"Yes sir yes sir"
"NO SIR YES SIR"
"Yes sir yes sir sir"
"NO SIR YES SIR"

This goes on for two minutes or so. I challenge any viewer to laugh once. It was painful to sit through that, but hey maybe they can do something with special effects or something. God I hope so. After 5 hours or so we finally move on to an obstacle course scene, and during the break Ron gets tired and sits down on the sand. With one hand resting on a rock he basically starts nodding off, so I sit there and watch a fat half-naked Ron Jeremy doing that fat boy nod/snore while still propping himself up.

It was almost sweet. Almost.

Later he got bored during one break and went over to the water's edge and was fucking with the river creature with his prop spear. Out of nowhere some mom and her two small children make their way over a hill and walk down the river's edge right towards where Ron is fucking around.

I take this time to deliver the line of the day:

"I remember the first time my mom took me out to nature to see my first Hedgehog"

The whole crew falls out laughing and once again I prove why I am the most underrated comedic genius in the world. All things considered it was a fun day and beat the shit out of sitting in an office for a living. I met some more Austin film people, which is the whole point, and I met two screen legends. Maybe I'm an asshole, but it's just my gentle opinion that this script is total shit and since I felt the same way with Varsity Blues I can only assume that I am completely wrong and this movie will be a complete Hollywood success too. Anyway that's all I got for now.

THE GRIZZ

1 Comments:

At 8:03 AM, Blogger lifelong girl said...

i L*Ve iT!

 

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